The Struggle

Rant on….

I am struggling so so hard right now. Struggling with my addiction, my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my attitude, basically struggling with life. My emotions bounce back and forth so rapidly that I can’t even keep up. I’m a whirlwind of negativity, shame, emptiness and I feel utterly defeated

I am finding it so hard to quit using. I get a few days under my belt and then I relapse. Few more days and relapse again. It’s like I’m riding a yo-yo! Using has been my number one coping skill since I was a kid, so trying to ingrain new skills is really hard. I knew it would be and I get that. But it’s almost like I don’t care enough about myself or love myself enough to quit. I know it’s killing me, literally, and deep down I think that’s what I want. I don’t know I’m so confused.

When I quit back In 2017 it was so easy. I put the pipe down and never thought about it again. Easy, done, simple. For almost a year I was clean. The longest I had been clean for 20 years. Then I relapsed and I’ve tried to quit so many times since then and the most days clean I’ve had is 5 and that’s because I ended up in the mental hospital.

This feeling of failure is really effecting every aspect of my life. I’ve been hurting myself again, which I hadn’t done in years, I have daily arguments with myself because I just want to give up and end my life because it would be so much easier. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m becoming extremely anxious and paranoid. I feel like my world has flipped upside down and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.

I’m this close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying fuck it, why bother, I don’t care if I get clean anymore or not. But I can’t do that. As hard as this is I’ve got to keep trying, every day, hour minute or even every second, I’ve got to keep trying for my kid , for my husband, for my health.

Rant off…

A Small Childs Plea

This is a poem I wrote

** disclaimer, may be triggering for some.

Father,

How could you let this transpire? Could you not have known?Did you not see the man who robbed me of my innocence?Did you turn a blind eye and look the other way?

Mother,

Where is your warm embrace? I yearned to snuggle against your warm bosom longing for the closeness we once shared. But never again will I feel that special bond.

God,

How could you let me fall victim to this torment?Innocence gone. Purity lost forever to be stowed away in a world all alone.

I

look in the mirror and what do I see? Tearless, void and haunting eyes. A stone facade veiling a transparent face. And I wonder, what had I done to merit the brutality?