I am struggling so so hard right now. Struggling with my addiction, my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my attitude, basically struggling with life. My emotions bounce back and forth so rapidly that I can’t even keep up. I’m a whirlwind of negativity, shame, emptiness and I feel utterly defeated
I am finding it so hard to quit using. I get a few days under my belt and then I relapse. Few more days and relapse again. It’s like I’m riding a yo-yo! Using has been my number one coping skill since I was a kid, so trying to ingrain new skills is really hard. I knew it would be and I get that. But it’s almost like I don’t care enough about myself or love myself enough to quit. I know it’s killing me, literally, and deep down I think that’s what I want. I don’t know I’m so confused.
When I quit back In 2017 it was so easy. I put the pipe down and never thought about it again. Easy, done, simple. For almost a year I was clean. The longest I had been clean for 20 years. Then I relapsed and I’ve tried to quit so many times since then and the most days clean I’ve had is 5 and that’s because I ended up in the mental hospital.
This feeling of failure is really effecting every aspect of my life. I’ve been hurting myself again, which I hadn’t done in years, I have daily arguments with myself because I just want to give up and end my life because it would be so much easier. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m becoming extremely anxious and paranoid. I feel like my world has flipped upside down and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.
I’m this close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying fuck it, why bother, I don’t care if I get clean anymore or not. But I can’t do that. As hard as this is I’ve got to keep trying, every day, hour minute or even every second, I’ve got to keep trying for my kid , for my husband, for my health.
It’s 1:45 in the morning. Another night of waking up in pure terror. I’m dripping with sweat. My heart is pounding. My face is streaked with tears. I’m terrified! How much longer will I have to endure reliving the past? I feel like I should be past this by now. I have accepted what happened to me. I know it can’t hurt me anymore. I can’t change it and I know this. What more do I need to do to move on? Will I ever be able to move on? I think that is what scares me the most. I don’t want to live in the past. I want to forget. I want to wake up, just once, feeling completely rested and not tortured by memories. So I push forward. I face another day. Another day of wearing a mask so I look and sound okay on the outside. Hiding the terror and pain. I’m trying to heal and recover and I’ve made tremendous progress which I’m grateful for. I was a complete disaster a year ago. Barely functioning. A lost soul walking among the living. I had been using drugs the last 35 years to forget, to keep the trauma buried deep inside. I got clean November 21, 2017. I had no idea that the memories would come crashing over me like a Tsunami. I thought I was going crazy. I wasn’t sure I could survive the trauma again. But I did. It hasn’t been easy, in fact dealing with it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know deep down every day I get one step closer to freedom and recovery. All I know is I have to keep trying. Keep telling myself this to shall pass
Today is the first time in months I had suicidal ideations. I used to suffer from them daily. So I was a bit surprised when it smacked me in the forehead. Things have been a little rocky for me emotionally this past week. I’m going through some unwanted changes. I’m having to switch therapists, which I am finding myself struggling with. It left me feeling betrayed, angry and vulnerable. But I believe that’s my fault, I shouldn’t have put so much faith and trust into one person. I got to attached. I think because I told her everything about my childhood. I gave her the weight that was on my shoulders that I had been carrying for so long. Change for me is tough. I have major trust issues, so when I let someone in to see the real me and let my guard down, I feel betrayed when said person has to move on and leaves me there stranded. On the plus side, I have a new therapist whom I feel may be a good fit for me. The walls may take stone time before they crumble completely but I see it happening at least. I’m not going to dwell on the suicidal thoughts because they will pass and I’m glad I’m able to recognize where it is stemming from today. Each day brings me just that much closer to a healthier me.