I am struggling so so hard right now. Struggling with my addiction, my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my attitude, basically struggling with life. My emotions bounce back and forth so rapidly that I can’t even keep up. I’m a whirlwind of negativity, shame, emptiness and I feel utterly defeated
I am finding it so hard to quit using. I get a few days under my belt and then I relapse. Few more days and relapse again. It’s like I’m riding a yo-yo! Using has been my number one coping skill since I was a kid, so trying to ingrain new skills is really hard. I knew it would be and I get that. But it’s almost like I don’t care enough about myself or love myself enough to quit. I know it’s killing me, literally, and deep down I think that’s what I want. I don’t know I’m so confused.
When I quit back In 2017 it was so easy. I put the pipe down and never thought about it again. Easy, done, simple. For almost a year I was clean. The longest I had been clean for 20 years. Then I relapsed and I’ve tried to quit so many times since then and the most days clean I’ve had is 5 and that’s because I ended up in the mental hospital.
This feeling of failure is really effecting every aspect of my life. I’ve been hurting myself again, which I hadn’t done in years, I have daily arguments with myself because I just want to give up and end my life because it would be so much easier. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m becoming extremely anxious and paranoid. I feel like my world has flipped upside down and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.
I’m this close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying fuck it, why bother, I don’t care if I get clean anymore or not. But I can’t do that. As hard as this is I’ve got to keep trying, every day, hour minute or even every second, I’ve got to keep trying for my kid , for my husband, for my health.
I’ve been really struggling coping lately and maintaining a sense of security. I’ve been self loathing and hating. Basically internalizing all my rage and anger and directing it towards myself. I’ve been too tired of the fighting to carry on. Tired of the daily battle of existence. I’ve been blaming myself for the trauma I experienced. I should have fought harder to try and stop it or not stopped trying to get help by telling people what was happening until someone listened to me. I shouldn’t have worried about what others thought and shamed myself into silence. These thoughts have been tearing me up inside. All the what- ifs and should have, could have and would haves. It’s very hard for me to stop this negative thinking once it has spiraled out of control. Sadly, yet fortunately, in my group therapy today, there was a new girl to the group and she was talking about the struggles she is facing at this current moment. It kind of helped me put my pain into perspective. Fortunately mine is past pain and trauma that I’m finally starting to deal with which is hard all on its own, but I’m not experiencing current issues along with it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes it takes someone else’s pain and sorrow to help put ours into perspective and dig ourselves out of the hole we put ourselves in.
If you could see the real me would you still love me? Would we still be friends? All the real thoughts and feelings that I have to hide. I can’t help the way I truly am. But I can help what I let you see. Evil spirit vile child. Those words resonate through me. I used to think it was lies. I tried to tell myself it’s not true. But the older I got the more I saw of myself. I don’t look like it would be true. I’m married with one child. A house and a business. But evil lurks within me. I’ve had to learn how to respond in a normal manner. Learned to mimic emotions. I don’t feel or know how to truly show love. Someone asked me recently that love meant to me. I didn’t have an answer. I can mimic it though. Compassion, remorse jealousy. Those are just words to me and learned responses. Knowing this about me I really don’t care. But I choose not to show or say how I really think and feel. I do not want to be locked away.
It’s 1:45 in the morning. Another night of waking up in pure terror. I’m dripping with sweat. My heart is pounding. My face is streaked with tears. I’m terrified! How much longer will I have to endure reliving the past? I feel like I should be past this by now. I have accepted what happened to me. I know it can’t hurt me anymore. I can’t change it and I know this. What more do I need to do to move on? Will I ever be able to move on? I think that is what scares me the most. I don’t want to live in the past. I want to forget. I want to wake up, just once, feeling completely rested and not tortured by memories. So I push forward. I face another day. Another day of wearing a mask so I look and sound okay on the outside. Hiding the terror and pain. I’m trying to heal and recover and I’ve made tremendous progress which I’m grateful for. I was a complete disaster a year ago. Barely functioning. A lost soul walking among the living. I had been using drugs the last 35 years to forget, to keep the trauma buried deep inside. I got clean November 21, 2017. I had no idea that the memories would come crashing over me like a Tsunami. I thought I was going crazy. I wasn’t sure I could survive the trauma again. But I did. It hasn’t been easy, in fact dealing with it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know deep down every day I get one step closer to freedom and recovery. All I know is I have to keep trying. Keep telling myself this to shall pass