I’ve been fighting the urge to run. Escape from life for a little while. . No worries or responsibilities. I long for it. But that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Run and hid from my skeletons and demons. Everytime I start working through my trauma I back off and go on the defensive so as not to deal with the core issues. Why am I so afraid? I think because I’m so used to these emotions I’m afraid to let go. It’s part of who I am. I don’t know any other way. Do I continue on with treatment facing the trauma head on? It’s so hard. It’s like reliving it all over again and I’m so tired. But I’m also tired of running. I don’t know what to do. Do I do the usual and throw my hands up and put my masks on and pretend that all is ok? It sounds harder but it really isn’t. Fake smiles and pleasantries is what I know, it’s what I’m good at. Dealing with trauma head on is hard and unfamiliar. It is too overwhelming. The pain is too raw and I hate emotions. I feel vulnerable and it’s uncomfortable being emotional. I’m just so confused. Tempted to run and hide or stay and fight the fight.
Today is the first time in months I had suicidal ideations. I used to suffer from them daily. So I was a bit surprised when it smacked me in the forehead. Things have been a little rocky for me emotionally this past week. I’m going through some unwanted changes. I’m having to switch therapists, which I am finding myself struggling with. It left me feeling betrayed, angry and vulnerable. But I believe that’s my fault, I shouldn’t have put so much faith and trust into one person. I got to attached. I think because I told her everything about my childhood. I gave her the weight that was on my shoulders that I had been carrying for so long. Change for me is tough. I have major trust issues, so when I let someone in to see the real me and let my guard down, I feel betrayed when said person has to move on and leaves me there stranded. On the plus side, I have a new therapist whom I feel may be a good fit for me. The walls may take stone time before they crumble completely but I see it happening at least. I’m not going to dwell on the suicidal thoughts because they will pass and I’m glad I’m able to recognize where it is stemming from today. Each day brings me just that much closer to a healthier me.