At a Crossroads

I’ve been fighting the urge to run. Escape from life for a little while. . No worries or responsibilities. I long for it. But that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Run and hid from my skeletons and demons. Everytime I start working through my trauma I back off and go on the defensive so as not to deal with the core issues. Why am I so afraid? I think because I’m so used to these emotions I’m afraid to let go. It’s part of who I am. I don’t know any other way. Do I continue on with treatment facing the trauma head on? It’s so hard. It’s like reliving it all over again and I’m so tired. But I’m also tired of running. I don’t know what to do. Do I do the usual and throw my hands up and put my masks on and pretend that all is ok? It sounds harder but it really isn’t. Fake smiles and pleasantries is what I know, it’s what I’m good at. Dealing with trauma head on is hard and unfamiliar. It is too overwhelming. The pain is too raw and I hate emotions. I feel vulnerable and it’s uncomfortable being emotional. I’m just so confused. Tempted to run and hide or stay and fight the fight.