The Struggle

Rant on….

I am struggling so so hard right now. Struggling with my addiction, my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my attitude, basically struggling with life. My emotions bounce back and forth so rapidly that I can’t even keep up. I’m a whirlwind of negativity, shame, emptiness and I feel utterly defeated

I am finding it so hard to quit using. I get a few days under my belt and then I relapse. Few more days and relapse again. It’s like I’m riding a yo-yo! Using has been my number one coping skill since I was a kid, so trying to ingrain new skills is really hard. I knew it would be and I get that. But it’s almost like I don’t care enough about myself or love myself enough to quit. I know it’s killing me, literally, and deep down I think that’s what I want. I don’t know I’m so confused.

When I quit back In 2017 it was so easy. I put the pipe down and never thought about it again. Easy, done, simple. For almost a year I was clean. The longest I had been clean for 20 years. Then I relapsed and I’ve tried to quit so many times since then and the most days clean I’ve had is 5 and that’s because I ended up in the mental hospital.

This feeling of failure is really effecting every aspect of my life. I’ve been hurting myself again, which I hadn’t done in years, I have daily arguments with myself because I just want to give up and end my life because it would be so much easier. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m becoming extremely anxious and paranoid. I feel like my world has flipped upside down and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.

I’m this close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying fuck it, why bother, I don’t care if I get clean anymore or not. But I can’t do that. As hard as this is I’ve got to keep trying, every day, hour minute or even every second, I’ve got to keep trying for my kid , for my husband, for my health.

Rant off…

A Small Childs Plea

This is a poem I wrote

** disclaimer, may be triggering for some.

Father,

How could you let this transpire? Could you not have known?Did you not see the man who robbed me of my innocence?Did you turn a blind eye and look the other way?

Mother,

Where is your warm embrace? I yearned to snuggle against your warm bosom longing for the closeness we once shared. But never again will I feel that special bond.

God,

How could you let me fall victim to this torment?Innocence gone. Purity lost forever to be stowed away in a world all alone.

I

look in the mirror and what do I see? Tearless, void and haunting eyes. A stone facade veiling a transparent face. And I wonder, what had I done to merit the brutality?

Confessions

It’s time the truth comes out. I say this because I can’t do it on my own and need to be held accountable. As I’ve stated in a previous post, I stopped using drugs November 21, 2017 after 35 years of heavy non stop daily use.

When I stopped using, all the memories and the trauma that I had been repressing for so long came welling up out of me and I didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I was already in therapy but it was still too much for me to bear. I was in and out of the mental hospital because I was extremely suicidal. That’s all I could think about. I didn’t feel like I deserved to live. I was tainted. Some of the things I was forced to be a part of and participate in, no human, let alone a little child, should ever have to endure. I was defeated, broken and ashamed.

I did several weeks of a partial hospitalization program learning different skills like DBT, CBT, mindfulness and distractions to help deal with the flood of memories. I started journaling every single memory and passed it on to my therapist to hopefully set me free of the pain and the burden of holding it all inside of me. But nothing seemed to work. The more I tried to let go the more it seemed to grasp hold of me. I don’t know if perhaps I was afraid to let go because these are my secrets and they are what make me me. I don’t even know if that really makes sense at all to anyone but me. Perhaps I feel like I would lose my sense of identity if I let go. I honestly don’t know.

I managed to stay clean for 6 months. 6 months of grueling flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and I started drinking and using again. But in my broken brain it was okay Because I didn’t go back to my drug of choice. I decided to use something much worse. I picked up heroin. I went from just trying it to full on withdrawals if I didn’t have it.

I broke down a few weeks later and told my therapist. She recommended I do detox and rehab. Which I did. 7 days detox and 14 days in residential treatment. I was proud to be clean again. Then it started all over again. The flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. This time I tried to ignore the memories. I stuffed them in my “vault” and locked them in.

I was amazed, it seemed to have worked!! I was clean and I was trauma free. I was starting to actually feel like a normal human being. That awesome feeling lasted about a month until the vault broke open and the nightmares began again.

Perhaps out of weakness or laziness or just plain old defeat I picked up my drug of choice again. Everything went back to my status quo. I’m no longer suicidal. No more nightmares, flashbacks or panic attacks. My therapist said I was starting to stabilize. All is good, right? Wrong!

Now my health is deteriorating again. My blood pressure is off the charts. If I keep it up I’ll have a stroke. My kidneys are failing again. I’m having palpitations regularly. My CHF is acting up again and I’m swelling up with water.

I need to STOP and I’m too afraid to!!! If I don’t stop I will die. If I don’t deal with my trauma, it makes me suicidal and I will die. I need help. I’m afraid of my past and afraid of my memories. I somehow need to muster the courage to face it all head on. It’s time for me to stop running and hiding from it and deal with it.

I know I can stop using,, that doesn’t seem to be the issue. what I need help with is facing my trauma. What has helped you guys face your trauma? How did you face your trauma without losing control? How did you get the PTSD symptoms under control?

Coping

I’ve been really struggling coping lately and maintaining a sense of security. I’ve been self loathing and hating. Basically internalizing all my rage and anger and directing it towards myself. I’ve been too tired of the fighting to carry on. Tired of the daily battle of existence. I’ve been blaming myself for the trauma I experienced. I should have fought harder to try and stop it or not stopped trying to get help by telling people what was happening until someone listened to me. I shouldn’t have worried about what others thought and shamed myself into silence. These thoughts have been tearing me up inside. All the what- ifs and should have, could have and would haves. It’s very hard for me to stop this negative thinking once it has spiraled out of control. Sadly, yet fortunately, in my group therapy today, there was a new girl to the group and she was talking about the struggles she is facing at this current moment. It kind of helped me put my pain into perspective. Fortunately mine is past pain and trauma that I’m finally starting to deal with which is hard all on its own, but I’m not experiencing current issues along with it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes it takes someone else’s pain and sorrow to help put ours into perspective and dig ourselves out of the hole we put ourselves in.

The Monster Inside Me

If you could see the real me would you still love me? Would we still be friends? All the real thoughts and feelings that I have to hide. I can’t help the way I truly am. But I can help what I let you see. Evil spirit vile child. Those words resonate through me. I used to think it was lies. I tried to tell myself it’s not true. But the older I got the more I saw of myself. I don’t look like it would be true. I’m married with one child. A house and a business. But evil lurks within me. I’ve had to learn how to respond in a normal manner. Learned to mimic emotions. I don’t feel or know how to truly show love. Someone asked me recently that love meant to me. I didn’t have an answer. I can mimic it though. Compassion, remorse jealousy. Those are just words to me and learned responses. Knowing this about me I really don’t care. But I choose not to show or say how I really think and feel. I do not want to be locked away.

At a Crossroads

I’ve been fighting the urge to run. Escape from life for a little while. . No worries or responsibilities. I long for it. But that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Run and hid from my skeletons and demons. Everytime I start working through my trauma I back off and go on the defensive so as not to deal with the core issues. Why am I so afraid? I think because I’m so used to these emotions I’m afraid to let go. It’s part of who I am. I don’t know any other way. Do I continue on with treatment facing the trauma head on? It’s so hard. It’s like reliving it all over again and I’m so tired. But I’m also tired of running. I don’t know what to do. Do I do the usual and throw my hands up and put my masks on and pretend that all is ok? It sounds harder but it really isn’t. Fake smiles and pleasantries is what I know, it’s what I’m good at. Dealing with trauma head on is hard and unfamiliar. It is too overwhelming. The pain is too raw and I hate emotions. I feel vulnerable and it’s uncomfortable being emotional. I’m just so confused. Tempted to run and hide or stay and fight the fight.

Crisis is Being Averted

I wish I could tell you my symptoms were gone, but I can’t. What I can say is that a good support team makes all the difference in the world! I’m still experiencing non stop flashbacks but with the help of my psychiatric team, I’m learning new tools to help lessen the severity. And I didn’t land in the mental hospital which is saying alot about how much growth and change I’ve gone through this passed year and a half. I’ve learned not to freak out and act impulsively, which is my usual go to. Instead I assess the situation and seek necessary help if I can’t handle it myself, which is what I did. I went to the emergency room and explained my situation and was given a medical and psych evaluation. They prescribed me a pill to help me calm down and relax and set me up with an appointment to talk to someone the following morning. Felt a little better after speaking with that therapist who in turn referred me to the psychiatrist for a possible med adjustment and I now have an appointment set up with my therapist tomorrow morning. I’m so proud that I have learned new and better ways to handle intense and horrible situations and that I had the where- with-all to stay calm and not panic. That’s GROWTH!! Patting myself on the back šŸ™‚