The Struggle

Rant on….

I am struggling so so hard right now. Struggling with my addiction, my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my attitude, basically struggling with life. My emotions bounce back and forth so rapidly that I can’t even keep up. I’m a whirlwind of negativity, shame, emptiness and I feel utterly defeated

I am finding it so hard to quit using. I get a few days under my belt and then I relapse. Few more days and relapse again. It’s like I’m riding a yo-yo! Using has been my number one coping skill since I was a kid, so trying to ingrain new skills is really hard. I knew it would be and I get that. But it’s almost like I don’t care enough about myself or love myself enough to quit. I know it’s killing me, literally, and deep down I think that’s what I want. I don’t know I’m so confused.

When I quit back In 2017 it was so easy. I put the pipe down and never thought about it again. Easy, done, simple. For almost a year I was clean. The longest I had been clean for 20 years. Then I relapsed and I’ve tried to quit so many times since then and the most days clean I’ve had is 5 and that’s because I ended up in the mental hospital.

This feeling of failure is really effecting every aspect of my life. I’ve been hurting myself again, which I hadn’t done in years, I have daily arguments with myself because I just want to give up and end my life because it would be so much easier. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m becoming extremely anxious and paranoid. I feel like my world has flipped upside down and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.

I’m this close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying fuck it, why bother, I don’t care if I get clean anymore or not. But I can’t do that. As hard as this is I’ve got to keep trying, every day, hour minute or even every second, I’ve got to keep trying for my kid , for my husband, for my health.

Rant off…

2 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. I’ve literally been going through the same thing. I get 20 days in and I pick up and I’m not unhappy in life so I don’t know what is drawing me back in. I also had my longest bout of sobriety from 9.2017 to 10.2018. I’m on day 10 right now. I’ve started doing step work and am amazed by how at home I feel reading the NA book and it keeps me thinking about all the benefits to staying clean. Just some ideas. I don’t know what you use but all of em are tough. Try to get your head up and focusing on creating a better, positive life. I’m the relapse queen since I picked up in October though so not trying to pretend I’ve got this on lock by any means. Be well!

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  2. As a former heroin addict as a 15 year old I was locked up in Juvi which meant I had to go cold turkey. It kinda gave me some clarity that when I got out I needed to change my tribe but it wasn’t as simple as that, Bipolar makes me so all kinds of crazy things. You keep trying so that’s telling me that somewhere deep inside you have some self worth and self love. Keep thinking about your child and how you love them. Keep thinking about the reasons it’s better to stick around – clean. Write them down and when you feel like hitting it again – grab that same book and write from the back how you are feeling – leave nothing out until all of that crap has been busted out of yourself. Do that for as long as you need to do. Much love to you. Peace xx

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